The first in a series of posts focusing on things that you really, really need to know but never thought to ask; we bring you the basics on babywearing during and after a zombie apocalypse.
I used to think that the most important protection I could ever give my children was love (you’ve read Harry Potter, right?). Or possibly good nutrition (you’ve read Rosemary Stanton, right?). I was wrong. It’s babywearing.
The zombie apocalypse is a fait accompli. Others have made some excellent suggestions about why babywearing is vital in the face of the apocalypse, but this post seeks to enlighten you, the responsible babywearer, about what you need to know when that time comes. We will cover three important topics in this post: optimal stash selection for the apocalypse and beyond, apocalypse preparation and making do in the world of tomorrow.
Optimal stash selection for the apocalypse
One thing is vitally important to note come the apocalypse: FSOT will be the first societal convention to collapse. That pamir or silk nino you’ve been so carefully hoarding will have no value whatsoever, except in the way you can use it. Hence damaging an expensive carrier is no longer a problem, so long as it is functional. You need carriers that are tough, durable, flexible and able to withstand both growing children and hordes of salivating revanants.
Ideally, you will have prepared in advance for the apocalypse and will be an accomplished babywearer in all fields: mei tais, SSCs, ring slings and wraps. Your personal taste should be accounted for, but it is worthwhile stepping out of your comfort zone to other carriers in order to be fully prepared for the apocalypse. Bear in mind that your apocalyptic stash should be small, as you will be unlikely to be able to carry large numbers of carriers in addition to zombie fighting equipment and children.
Some points worth noting when building a stash worthy of the apocalypse:
- You will need to keep your own and your wearee’s visibility to a minimum. Bright splashes of cerise are unlikely to contribute to your overall protective camouflage. However, there ought to be plenty of natural dyes around during the apocalypse which will decrease your visibility (i.e. there’s going to be a lot of dirt during the apocalypse, that’s one thing I’m sure of).
- Since invariably whatever vehicle one is travelling in will break down/be broken down by zombies, fleeing the undead will take some serious walking/running. You will need supportive fabrics, designs and weaves. You will be wearing these carriers for a long time to come and will need to do some very strenuous activities while wearing them (fighting off zombies while bouncing a toddler to sleep for a start). As a result, you may experience considerable wear and tear on your carrier in addition to an awesome workout. Use the stroller to carry essential supplies. In case of direct attack, abandon the stroller and still have your wearee(s) attached to you for a quick escape.
- Bear in mind that flame is a traditional method of fighting zombies. Fabrics with fire retardant properties such as wool will be a significant advantage for the safety of your wearee.
- It is traditional for zomebies to attack either in the northern hemisphere where it’s always cold or during a cold spell. I think this is to minimise decomposition of the undead. So it is unlikely you will need to choose carriers in order to avoid heat stroke. However, since one is always displaced from the home and, indeed, shelter in such situations, bear this in mind when choosing carrier type and fabric. For example, a Vatanai wrap would be excellent for a desert trip to a volcano to destroy any magic rings that may need disposal, however it would not be as warm or supportive as, say, a storchenwiege during the cold nights of a zombie apocalypse.
It’s no good obtaining a suitable apocalyptic stash if you dash out to the post office to send off a traded carrier and find yourself without a sling on the morning of the apocalypse. You need to be prepared at all times.
Wherever you go, make sure you have the most important elements of your apocalyptic stash, however you have identified them. Whether or not that’s your size three wrap or your trusty Kozy, have one with you at all times, either on you, in the car or stashed into the daycare bag. You can also have food, warm clothing and such if you really feel it’s necessary for survival.
Making do in the world of tomorrow
Eventually, even the hardest-wearing pikkolo may get a hole in it, or more likely, after wearing it for 469 days straight, you may feel like a change. Alternatively, you may need to use it to anchor a boat or something. What are you going to use to carry your kid?
Unfortunately, during and after the apocalypse, it’s likely that internet access is going to be very sketchy for most people and supportive forums such as Baby Carriers Downunder may not be running at optimum capacity for advice and advocacy. You need to be aware of alternatives to standard babycarriers before the apocalypse.
Here are some links to illustrate common, everyday items that can be used in place of babycarriers:
- a bedsheet works well as a short wrap
- a towel is also suitable and has numerous other uses, as detailed by Douglas Adams (thanks to a BCD member for pointing this out!)
- the mamatoto project has some excellent videos on making do in an emergency. They’re not expecting an apocalypse, but the same ideas apply.
The zombie apocalypse is coming. You need to be prepared. I hope that this post has informed you of some of the choices you will need to make in the meantime.
Further zombie related resources
What emergency are you preparing for? Are you ready for aliens to attack? Vampires? Werewolves? Preparing for a flock of penguins to launch a flotilla from Phillip Island with the intent to conquer the mainland? Leave a comment and share your own brand of insanity!