Another in our series of informative posts on topics that just don’t get enough attention. We’ve discussed what to do in the certain event of a zombie apocalypse. Just in case that apocalypse is preceded by an alien invasion, we give you the rundown on how to save the world. Babywearer style.
Unfortunately, the first thing that happens during any large-scale alien invasion is that all of our high-tech defensive weaponry and installations are blown to smithereens. This means that saving the world is generally left up to a small band of people like you and me, some of whom may or may not have a military background.
But, you see, people like you and me have kids. We can’t just run off and save the world whenever we feel like it. In the middle of an alien invasion, we don’t have time to ring around and see if one of our sisters can babysit, pump some milk, pack the nappy bag and drop the kids off with strict instructions of no chocolate before bedtime and then go take out that mothership. The kids are going to have to come with us while we do it.
Babywearing during an alien invasion requires quite a different technique to babywearing during the zombie apocalypse. In this particular case, you need a carrier that will allow you to crawl through those air ducts in the space ship, jump through a wormhole and hack into that alien computer using nothing but your mobile phone. All the while, you’re being boinked on the head with a rubber monkey by a toddler who is bored and wants to get down so he can poke in the unaccountably slimy muck on the floor.
This post will give you the basics for babywearing while repelling an alien invasion. We expect that come that fateful day, a babywearer will leap into the fray, undeterred. Because that’s just the way babywearers roll. We’re hands on kinds of people. Hands on, high touch with our kids. Hands around those alien throats, throttling as we go.
Unlike a zombie apocalypse, which happens fast and furiously; alien attack is usually pressaged by warnings and presentiments of doom. If you are observant, you will have time to gather a stash ready for leaping to the defense of earth. An increase in inexplicable probings is one sign. Pay particular attention to apparently crazy vagrants muttering about the end of the world. Not only are they in need of a good social support network, but they are our first line of defense against aliens. When you spot one warning you of impending peril, organize your invasion stash immediately.
You will probably only have a few days or a week at most. This is long enough to get something instock, but probably not long enough to organize fabric for a custom carrier. If you feel that a custom carrier is vital for saving the planet, then make sure you organize well in advance.
Alien invasion calls not only for an appropriately functional carrier, but something that is suitable cosmetically as well. Anything with buckles will probably fit the bill nicely. You will need to be able to get it off and on quickly, but you’ll want extra support when your baby falls asleep on your back for an extended period while you’re learning to fly an alien spacecraft on the go.
A supportive front carry is essential for when said spacecraft blows up in the lower atmosphere, forcing you to parachute to safety, your wearee safely tucked over your parachute. Ditching from the upper atmosphere usually requires a rescue craft. This is reliably flown by someone you’d thought was dead until the last moment when they rescue you. It’s a twofold relief when that happens. If you’ve got an appropriately fabulous carrier on at the time, you can rest assured that this happy moment will also be wonderful sartorially, no matter how drab the BDU you’re wearing is (that’s Battle Dress Uniform for those of you who didn’t spend your youth geeking out on sci-fi).
Unlike the zombie apocalypse, I would argue that despite a propensity for even civilians to wind up wearing military clothing, camouflage will not be necessary during a standard alien invasion. Except in unusual circumstances of parallel evolution, alien enslavement of the human race across the galaxy or cloning; it is unlikely you will be able to pass for an alien even under the best of circumstances. As a consequence, you may choose any colour, pattern or print combination you like.
Fabric choice should be proof against slime and general weapons fire. Explosions of all kinds are common during these episodes. Choose a fabric that is resistant to heat and flame. Wool or silk would be good choices.
Given the inevitable defeat of the technologically superior alien race, bear in mind that the carrier you ruin for the sake of saving the planet will lose value drastically. I would not recommend using a hard to find or valuable carrier in this case, as you will almost certainly not be able to sell it on FSOT afterward.
Carries that will save the world
During your quest to save the world, you’ll probably need to wear your child in different carries depending on the different tasks you will need to accomplish. Classically, crawling through the ducts of the mothership is de rigeur. At this point, space is tight, the situation is dank and a back carry is your best option because crawling around a child in a front carry is difficult to say the least.
When running from a reactor core explosion, another certain event, try to use a front carry in order to protect your wearee from most of the blast and heat. Be sure and cross the straps or tails behind you in order to offer full support for maximum speed. Do try and set the timer on the bomb for more than five minutes, because there is nothing worse than realizing you only have five minutes to fight your way through the alien hordes, steal an alien craft, learn how to pilot the thing, get beyond the blast radius and change that dirty nappy after offering the baby a quick feed.
Unfortunately, hip carries are not very useful in the process of saving the earth from alien invasion. However, during military briefings, they may be used for a change of pace.
Of course, breastfeeding in a carrier is essential for saving the world. You don’t want to have to ask the aliens to direct you to a suitable place for you to breastfeed in private because your infant is at that distractible stage and won’t concentrate on feeding in the midst of a busy spaceship. They’d probably offer you the bathroom anyway.
Likewise, if your baby is nourished with the bottle, I’d suggest rigging up some sort of handsfree feeding device for use during your world-saving duties. Duct tape is enormously useful for these sorts of situations. And if any alien tells you that bottlefeeding your baby without looking lovingly into their eyes the whole time is damaging to their development, especially during an invasion; or worse, that you didn’t try hard enough to breastfeed- this is psychological warfare. Use the duct tape on them. Stick it somewhere it’ll really, really hurt when it gets pulled off.
Above all, you must be able to use these carries and change between them with great speed. I recommend drilling yourself and your wearee(s) regularly for maximum efficiency.
Securing all toys by means of a toyloop of some kind is essential since turning back just isn’t an option once the bomb is set. A mirror used for checking on your wearee in a back carry, signalling for help or checking if there is a sentry around the corner is invaluable.
Come the fateful day of an alien invasion, it will likely be a babywearer, or a team of babywearers, who will save the day and, indeed, the planet. If circumstances align and that babywearer is YOU, I hope that this post has offered you some insight into the complex and exacting task that is before you. Godspeed, babywearer, godspeed.
If aliens attacked, what would you wear and how would you wear it? Leave a comment and let us all in on what we need when that time comes!